helloback

“I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairy tale

I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet

Lead her up the stairwell”

Lol time for reality check. Anyways, so IBP’s so annoying. Like, I have no time to train at all, unless I wake up like 5am or something. Maybe I’ll do that once my body recovers.

Sometimes I wish.

Gotta start prioritise my schedules and stuff or I’ll slip in my improvement charts. I can perform miracles!

I miss sis

IBP kinda sucks. Maybe things will pick up soon.

Sometimes I feel… not good enough.

Roadblock

“Somewhere stuck between nowhere and goodbye. You had me at hello.”

Life hasn’t been really great even though exams are finally over. Back to more training and then there’s CTV.

Honestly,

I hate that I think so much. I hate that I worry so much. I hate myself being so negative. I hate it. I hate it. It’s one mental barrier that I’m constantly fighting with.

I’m just afraid that I’m screwing up my mind and body. I’m afraid of expectations.

I’m already trying damn fucking hard but it seems that I just keep failing and failing. I see myself going nowhere.

I was thinking about it and about what Adrianna told me.

“Don’t forget why you joined karate in the first place.”

My sis told me that too.

And they’re right.

I need to really stop and think because I’ve become so obsessive. I’ve realised that I’m like boderlining on having a eating disorder, I need iron pills to keep me going, I constantly think of training and becoming fitter and more muscular. I feel guilty if I don’t train. I feel guilty even if I eat normal food like chicken rice. I think about how to improve my skills all the time that I’m losing myself already.

It’s obession. It’s not enjoyment.

I cry when I think I suck, I cry when I can’t get things right and I cry when it’s not perfect.

What I really want is to achieve something that I thought I would never be able to. I want to win medals, I want to be the best. And right now. I’m losing myself to expectations which leads to fear which leads to worry which leads to obsession.

I forgot to train with a smile. And this is bad.

Right now. I need to get over this.

Am on hiatus yet again.

look at me only

“Look at me only”

I feel good! Despite the really really irritating deadlines and projects. I think it’s the exercise.

I’m gonna join the Addidas Sundown Marathon Challenge with Shaun and Bailin. Awesome.

Ohkay. Kinda on haitus till school shit is like done.

On a sidenote, I really like dogs. I wanna get a daschund and name it ‘la chang’. Sausage. I think I’ll name it hot dog. Or dog. lol. I’ll end up calling it magxy.

experience

I LOST!!!!!!! 9-3!!!!!

I’m not depressed. At least I managed to score.

I lost because of experience. Not because I’m terrible. So Yay.

Like what Bruce Lee said, “Defeat is also a state of mind; no one is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as a reality. To me, defeat in anything is mearly temporary, and its punishment is but an urge for me to greater effort to achieve my goal. Defeat simply tells me that something is wrong is my doing; it is a path leading to success and truth.”

Turning Point

11 JANUARY 2009

jetplane

“Tell me when you’re leaving me.”

Am in Thailand now. Sis rocks. I’d wish I could stay here longer though. Lol. Even though this is my second day here only. It feels weird not being able to train. Haha, why the hell am I linking everything back to training? My birthday is coming soon. Not really excited because… Yeah. Just because.

Year 2008 was kinda like a transformational year for me.

1. I found my passion in karate back.
2. I attended my first training in the club that I’m fuckin’ sure I’ll never leave. Ever.
3. I became a pescetarian.
4. I became superfit.Well, close to superfit.
5. I found Bruce Lee.

Basically, I feel both a physical and mental change in me. Something that I though that I would have never ever experience in my whole life.

I know 2009 is going to be ten times, hundred times, gazillion times fuckin’ awesome because I’m kinda clear now on where I wanna go for the next few years of my life. All I have to do now is to clear one more obstacle, just one more.

After this obstacle, there will be challenges. Challenges that I will welcome wholeheartedly.

omgwtfbbqcheeseballs.wordpress.com, for the past year or so, has been a journal of my thoughts. Mainly about my life and karate. Personal struggles. Well, I’m still struggling.

I’ve been reading my previous posts and I’m a fuckin’ negative person. I worry a whole lot. Seriously. I have to know that nothing is perfect, as much as I want things to be. Go with the damn flow ling.

Miyavi – Don’t hesitate & go.

Happy Merry Christmas and Merry fuckin’ New Year peeps!

Prosper in 2009!

defeat

“I’m not good enough.”

I’m not good enough for you. I’ll never be good enough for you.

What was I thinking.

beg steal borrow

“I love you like E=mc2″

I’m like hopelessly infatuated. LOL. Aye. So near yet so far.

Edward Cullen is hotness amplified.

I guess I’ll see you soon. I hope.

Ahh. Hopeless infatuation.

Be gone now.

Perfection

“And everything that I had just flows into a cacophony in my mind.”

Am I really being too strict with myself?

Am I too serious?

What’s wrong with chasing perfection?

“I will never be what you want me to be.”

Astroninja – Kiss My Astro! I’m no a staunch supporter of local bands but astroninja kicks ass.

BUY THE FUCKING ALBUM BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!

Besides, Bobby is cute.

Anyways, I’ve got a few stuff to actually complete. I’m just lame ass lazy. Gotta go back to school straight after camp. What the flying fuck. Kiss My Astro! is actually on repeat mode on my itunes. Amazing. I rarely put a whole album on repeat. Serious.

Yeah. I hate school. I’m just looking forward to my holidays. Then again. I’m just looking forward for the whole semester to end.